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Nickels and Dimes
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Pascal is Out
All the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek but unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton . Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting: 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100. He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says " Newton 's out. Newton's out." Newton denies and says Newton is not out. He claims that he is not Newton . All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton . Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared and since a Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT !!!!!!!!!"
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1".
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue "1".
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Costello: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on "START"..........
Got Duck Feed?
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, ”I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”
”No,” comes the reply.
”Got any duck feed?”
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.
St Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny
plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but
servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with
the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and
quiet life in Heaven.
One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine
parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did
you get it?”
“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of
these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well.
I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake.
I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course,
tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.”
“Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?”
asked Gates.
“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain
of the Titanic.”
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately
stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had
just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new
house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion,
and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented
the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?”
“Yes, we even use Windows here in Heaven,” replied
St Peter, “but, you know, the Titanic only crashed once…”
The Husband Store
Recently a “Husband Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from
among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man
from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the
place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some
husbands.
First floor
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the
sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder
what’s further up?” So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”
Third floor
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love
kids and help with the housework.”
“Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up
they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.”
“Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to
the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are
impossible to please. The exit is to your left.”
Counterfeiting
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be
in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the
bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he
said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, “Ah
reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”
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